National Stalking Awarenes Month 2013 is here

January is Stalking Awareness Month 2013

Each month is dedicated to some cause now. For me October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, April is dedicated to National Assault Awareness Month, but this month it is National Stalking Awareness Month which impacts 1 in 6 women and 1-in 19 men.

That’s a lot of people here in the US!

Think about how many people you know friends, family, in the work place. At some point of them, maybe even you have been or will be effected by someone stalking them. Those are frightening figures.

A stalker is terrifying, you lose all sense of freedom when you are wondering if they are watching you and when.. Are they watching you when you have dinner with friends? Calling you constantly?Does your inbox constantly get bombarded with messages from them? Or Twitter, Facebook… Any social media? Are they watching you while you go about your daily life in your own safe home?

It usually starts with the phone calls. The endless calls, when the phone rings and you recognize the phone number.

How to recognize a stalker:

• You go to your local stores and they ‘accidentally’ run into you and try to start conversation.
• You are driving and you look in the rear mirror, only to see that they are two cars behind you.
• It is late at night, you look out of your window and their car is down the road parked, engine and lights off, in total darkness.
• They call at your house wanting to talk to you, to reconcile the relationship.
• You find messages, emails, letters, gifts and small packages left for you.
• They start to threaten you and your loved ones.

It makes you feel vulnerable, stressed, fearful and threatened. Your privacy is gone and you have a stalker.

Stalkers have different psyches. It can be the jilted lover, husband or wife. It can be a co-worker, an admirer or friend, a social media ‘friend’. They come from all occupations and lifestyles.

What to do if you have a stalker:

• Make sure safety is paramount in your home, check the locks on all doors and window locks work etc. and the phone cable outside is out of reach.
• Rally your friends, family and co-workers for help and support.
• Keep a journal of all the events
• Get an additional phone number and keep it private. You must keep the old number and let it go to voice-mail, do not answer it or engage in conversation at all.
• If it is an ex-lover, calmly and politely tell them you are not interested. Do not get angry or shout this can acerbate the situation.
• Inform the police. Every state has Stalking Laws; I know the UK calls them Harassment Laws, this I know as the police told me I would be one of the first to use it when it passed in June 1997. (It worked too; my stalker was found guilty and now has a criminal record)
• Find a network or group in your area to help you.
• One of the first options you will be given is an Order of Protection, or a Restraining Order. This can work, but it can also push them over the edge to be violent or make them more determined.
• Always before starting a relationship, trust your instincts, if they say run, then run. Never communicate, talk or respond to a stalker. They can become violent and murderous.

I list all the above to help people understand what it means. The word ‘Stalker’ is banded around as a flippant joke, but when it happens to you, it is debilitating and frightening, even those of us who know we are strong and tough!

When it happened to me, I took all the advice I could and when it didn’t stop, I was strongly advised by the police that I sell my home and move away, far away…350 miles difference in fact (Which in the UK is regarded as far!). When a police officer tells you he believes your stalker has murderous intent, you tend to make plans to move quickly! It didn’t stop until after the court case. I still received phone calls at my new place of work, but when the Magistrates Court declared him guilty and threatened him with imprisonment. It stopped.

 

If you have a stalker please don’t think you can handle it all by yourself. Get help! There are people out there dedicated to helping you. You do not have to go through it on your own, terrified. Know you are not alone!

As the National Stalking Organization says:

Stalking: Know it, Name it, stop it!

www.rainn.org

www.safehorizon.org

www.ncvc.org

www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/12/31/presidential-proclamation-national-stalking-awareness-month-2013

Related articles

• Stalkers find friend in GPS technology (kansascity.com)
• Local counseling center works to shed light on stalking during national awareness month (ktbs.com)
• New Law To Tackle Stalkers Comes Into Effect (news.sky.com)
• Scotland’s oldest sex stalker confesses to preying on second elderly victim (dailyrecord.co.uk)
• Stalkers face five years in jail to curb risk of them turning violent (thetimes.co.uk)
• Do the new stalking laws show we are taking this crime seriously? (guardian.co.uk)
• Stalking Bloggers in 2013 (breezybooksblog.wordpress.com)
• #India -The Bitter Truth Regarding Delhi Police’s Womens’ Help-Line #Vaw #Justice (kractivist.wordpress.com)

The Confessions of… me

Don't they say "Life should be a beach!, Live, Laugh, Love!"

When I started to write this blog, I have to say I was a little nervous. The experience though has changed me, I didn’t know if anyone would be interested in what I had to say.

I like to write about events that I find a little funny or quirky, like Valentine’s Day and Shrove Tuesday. The history regarding celebratory days are interesting to me, so I like a giggle now and then, but there is a deeper reason. I was terrified about writing the subjects that really concern me and I should have been a lot more elaborate on the “About” page than I was, hiding behind family and my cute little puddy cat, Freya (Who featured on the “Warning signs to look for when you end the relationship” post). She was my furry little model with the owl eyes!

The real “About” page should have read differently:

My name is Claire and I am writing this blog as a journey through writing a novel based on empowerment from abuse, (well, easy so far).

Who am I really? Well, here we go:

I was raped two weeks before my fifteenth birthday in my own home, while my parents were out. He was a close “friend” who I had spent a lot of time over the summer with. He was twenty-two. He told me if I told anyone, he would kill me, over the next five years he attempted to keep his promise, even though I told no-one. He tried to drown me, threatened me with both a gun and a knife. He stalked me for five years. I knew that my father was much respected in the town and didn’t want to bring shame on him and was also worried about what he may do if he found out. I didn’t want my father to end up in jail, which I know would’ve happened if I had spoken out.

I did finally speak out when it was over at the age of twenty-two, and it only ended when the man’s girlfriend thought he was hanging around me because I wanted to date him and promptly beat me one night after work, (I worked part-time behind a bar, this was easy socializing for me as the bar blocked people from me). My boss tried to get her off me, which was then she started to beat him down too, I can only guess this finally scared the guy and he finally left me alone.

I was angry and bitter and realize that I had RTS (Rape Trauma Syndrome) and was basically hitting on guys when I was a teenager as ‘revenge’, when they were interested I would turn them down, cruelly. I would insult them, pour beer over them, told them they weren’t ‘good enough’. My school work had suffered I was told I had a high IQ, but I left school at sixteen, I went to work, when I did get a place at college my mother told me I couldn’t go because she was used to my rent money of ten pounds a week. My mother and I fought a lot, even when she found out that I had been raped, she said it was sad, but I had to ‘pull myself up by my bootstraps’ and ‘get on with life…’ (Don’t you hate cliches? I do). I did date a couple of times through my teenage years but the relationships were with “Out of Towner’s’, ones I didn’t see too often, or could go to if I needed to escape the town.

I met someone though who had known since I was eighteen and he asked me if I wanted to go on a vacation. I felt I could trust him and we went. He talked of marriage, I became pregnant. We went on vacation in the July, we were married in September, (my mother complained about the cost of a registry wedding).I had my beautiful baby girl the following April. Two years later I had a baby boy, who I adored.

The marriage became very difficult, we argued constantly, he liked to control and I was struggling with it. I took the savings and left with my children. I lived on my own for two years. I met someone new who started as a friend and after a while he moved in with me. This didn’t work though as I was working three jobs to support us and he brought in nothing, he worked. He just didn’t want to contribute. Finally I gave him an ultimatum either help out or move out. He shook his head to both. He constantly put me and my children down. He would tell me I was worthless. I remember telling him “Don’t worry one day I may just get to be as perfect as you!” but it was never ending and he would only stop if I was in tears.

With help from a friend I packed his bags and dropped them at his mother’s when he was away one weekend.

His was mad! He followed me, stalked me, call incessantly, leaving messages, my neighbors noticed and asked if they could help, but there was nothing they could do. He threatened me, he pushed his way into my home and held me kidnapped for three days, telling me he would kill me and my children, he tied me to a chair in my kitchen through the day with a knife saying only death would separate us. Finally on the Friday evening I promised to let him back into the house if he went out. It took me three hours to convince him I would, he finally left and I called my father, I couldn’t speak and collapsed while I was on the phone with him. He rushed around to see me like the trouper he was with brandy in hand, sat in a chair waiting for the guy to come back. He had sent me to bed, my father bless him sat in that chair all night in case he came back!

Three days later he did, by this time my local police knew him, I had called them several times when he came threatening me, They told me it was getting bad and wanted to arrest him, but I said what was the point? He’ll be back out the next day, but even angrier! The last straw came when he pushed a note through my door giving me a deadline, type written, stating that if I didn’t take him back by midnight the following night he was going to kill me at midnight. The police told me to leave the county for the weekend and they went and arrested him, also slapping a Restraining Order on him.

I was offered a job several miles away while this was happening, I accepted it, sold my house quietly, leaving the ‘For Sale” notice on it. I confided in my mother who told me that if I moved so far south she would take me to court to gain custody of my children, proclaiming Grandparents rights. I quickly realized not to confide in her again quickly! I packed my belongings quietly, I had told my children we would be leaving soon to live by the sea. The local police told me if I didn’t leave, I would be dead. I left my car outside the house, I rented a car, had my belongings packed onto a removal truck, which was seen by the guy passing, even though he wasn’t supposed to be any closer than a mile away. After I collected the rental car I ran home for overnight bags, set lights on timers, my children climbed into the car and I heard the phone ringing, it was my friend, he had called her to say he saw I was leaving and was going to get a shotgun for us. She screamed for me to get out and that I had fifteen minutes before he would be at my door. I left!

I moved to the south coast, my children were homesick and I was hanging on by a thread. My daughter said she wanted to live with her father, couldn’t blame her, poor thing! Four weeks after moving to the south coast, their father collected them, with an agreement I could see them whenever I wanted, but he always told me no when I tried to arrange it. I found out later my mother had told everyone I was a manic depressive, NOT TRUE!

I worked on the south coast of the UK for several years where I ran my own successful mortgage company before meeting my husband, who had also been in abusive relationship. We understand each perfectly, although I have a couple left over “kinks’ I still startle sometimes, I still have a problem with self-image, I feel uncomfortable around men who are taller than me if they come too close and I am 5’8! Sometimes, just sometimes when I’m in a stressful situation my mind will crash and go blank. But the best thing about me is that I am alive! I heal through humor. I want to say to people they are NOT alone like I was. There is support and help. I had one good friend and my local police that I confided in, but they meant the world to me! They were my safety and sanity.

Okay, so that’s who I am, I also like to ski, sit around my fire pit with my friends and good cognac.I love the beach and I want to travel around the world and do so many things that I can do, because I’m alive! As the song goes… ‘How d’ya like me now?” lol

One of the first things on my list though is to finish my book and advocate for people who are suffering and that is why you will see my posts about Rape Trauma Syndrome, Stalking, and Domestic Violence etc. It is not pretty and it’s not fluffy bunnies and rainbows, but it is real life for some, and if I can help just one person, then it will be worth everything! I am not a survivor and I am not a victim, I’m just Claire.

Thank you for bearing with this long post today! Blogging tips say keep it short and simple… Oh well guess I blew that today! ; )

In the next few days I will be posting about Rape Trauma Syndrome and as a preview, the first chapter of my novel, Ride to Liberty. I usually end a posting with a couple of questions but today I’m kinda all out of ‘em!

Blessings

Warning signs to look for after you have ended the relationship.

Who's watching you?

If you have been following me on this blog, you’ll have seen I like to cover various subjects from ‘What makes you happy?’ Too raising domestic violence and abuse awareness but not excluding wonderful little holidays, which we can celebrate with gusto! I like to mix it up because life has many aspects, good and bad, easy and challenging.

Today I am writing about relationships. We have all had good and bad relationships. The good ones will hopefully result in a happy, lifelong partnership or marriage. The bad relationships end usually with a mutual agreement to move apart, wishing each other the best. My question to you is_ what happens if the other person does not want to accept this.

What if_ this person decides to stalk you? How do you recognize the signs of a stalker? Did you know that this has affected 3.4 million Americans over the age of 18? Could you be next?

Warning signs to look for after you have ended the relationship:

It usually starts with the phone calls. The endless calls, when the phone rings and you recognize the phone number.

• You go to your local stores and they ‘accidently’ run into you and try to start conversation.
• You are driving and you look in the rear mirror, only to see that they are two cars behind you.
• It is late at night, you look out of your window and their car is down the road parked, engine and lights off, in total darkness.
• They call at your house wanting to talk to you, to reconcile the relationship.
• You find messages, emails, letters, gifts and small packages left for you.
• They start to threaten you and your loved ones.

It makes you feel vulnerable, stressed, fearful and threatened. Your privacy is gone and you have a stalker.

Stalkers have different psyches. It can be the jilted lover, husband or wife. It can be a co-worker, an admirer or friend, a social media ‘friend’. They come from all occupations and lifestyles.

What to do if you have a stalker:

• Make sure safety is paramount in your home, check the locks on all doors and window locks work etc. and the phone cable outside is out of reach.
• Rally your friends, family and co-workers for help and support.
• Keep a journal of all the events
• Get an additional phone number and keep it private. You must keep the old number and let it go to voicemail, do not answer it or engage in conversation at all.
• If it is an ex-lover, calmly and politely tell them you are not interested. Do not get angry or shout this can acerbate the situation.
• Inform the police. Every state has Stalking Laws; I know the UK calls them Harassment Laws, this I know as the police told me I would be one of the first to use it when it passed in June 1997. (It worked too; my stalker was found guilty and now has a criminal record)
• Find a network or group in your area to help you.
• One of the first options you will be given is an Order of Protection, or a Restraining Order. This can work, but it can also push them over the edge to be violent or make them more determined.
• Always before starting a relationship, trust your instincts, if they say run, then run. Never communicate, talk or respond to a stalker. They can become violent and murderous.

I list all the above to help people understand what it means. The word ‘Stalker’ is banded around as a flippant joke, but when it happens to you, it is debilitating and frightening, even those of us who know we are strong and tough!

I took all the advice I could and when it didn’t stop, I was strongly advised by the police that I sell my home and move away, far away…350 miles difference in fact (Which in the UK is regarded as far!). When a police officer tells you he believes your stalker has murderous intent, you tend to make plans to move quickly! It didn’t stop until after the court case. I still received phone calls at my new place of work, but when the Magistrates Court declared him guilty and threatened him with imprisonment. It stopped.

I decided to post this today, as I read Kim Kardashian has moved to a gated community because of a stalker. Many celebrities have had problems with stalkers, take for example:John Lennon (His stalker shot and killed him then read “The Catcher in the Rye’ to him while he was dying), Catherine Zeta-Jones, Halle Berry, Steven Spielberg, Jodie Foster, Mel Gibson and Janet Jacksonto name a few.

One last fact for you, National Stalking Awareness Month is in January every year since 2004. I hope this blog helps anyone who has or is experiencing it.

I have included some links below, which you may find both interesting and useful:

http://www.stalkingawarenessmonth.org

http://www.rainn.org (Domestic Abuse website)

http://www.safehorizon.org (Empowerment after abuse)

http://www.ncvc.org  (A National Stalking Resource Center)

http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/breakingnews/kim-kardashian-moves-amid-stalker-fear-140837613.html